Wrestling, Wallowing and Victory

The thought has crossed my mind to actually sit down and write a post for my blog again. I have facebook, and also use twitter regularly, so am not sure what the purpose of re-blogging might be. Plus, I don’t have a very good track record of being consistent with it. So, instead of saying “I’m starting back up,” I think I’ll just “guest post” on my own blog whenever the urge strikes. Maybe once a month. Once a year. Who knows. And the (literal) five of you who might actually see this and who have undoubtedly stopped checking years ago to see if a new post was submitted, well, if you happen to read this, then great. And if not (as I presume will be the case), this post is something I’ve just been wanting to hash out and write down for myself, anyway.

With that said, I have been wrestling with the whole Romans 7 passage. “For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” Yeah. The age-old struggle with the sinful nature. And sadly, there have been a couple of areas of this that have really hit me hard lately. One of those areas is with the idea of comparison. I’m 40 years old; you’d think I’d have this one down pat. Comparing myself with others is NOT good. But alas, I let myself get overcome with it.

Here’s what happened most recently: You see, a relative of mine who appears to have it all together (no really, seriously seems to have absolutely everything on track and going her way), had some good news to share a couple of days ago. Yes, I am happy for her. But I have to admit, part of me was jealous. My mind kept thinking, “Yep. Another great thing for her. She has no idea what it’s like to struggle. Wouldn't it be nice to have her cushy life.” No, I don’t necessarily want something bad to happen to her, but was just thinking how reasonable it would be if she could just struggle with something. Have something not go her way. (Oh my goodness, that sounds absolutely awful!! But it's where I'm at. *sigh*) So she’d know what it feels like. To know what others of us have had to go through ourselves. And then to wonder, when will I get to the place where I can just truly be happy for her and not let these thoughts cloud my mind?

After that whole scenario took place, I came across this quote:

“The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes selves with everyone else’s highlight reel.”

I’m not sure I want to address the whole “insecurity” part of that, but rather the last half of the quote. Comparing myself with someone else. Comparing what I know about myself - the bad and the ugly - with only what I see on the outside of someone else - the good, “have it all together” part. Yeah, that’s not a good thing. And isn’t even an accurate comparison in the first place! To build on this, here’s a quote from author Lysa TerKeurst,

“When I want the good things someone has, I must realize that I’m also asking for the bad that comes along with it. It’s always a package deal. ... I have learned that I am not equipped to handle what others have - both good and bad. I am, on the other hand, completely equipped to handle what I’ve been given.”

So to try to wrap these scattered thoughts together...
I read these great quotes and know this in my head. The problem is, how do I get my heart to embrace it, as well? What will it take to really LIVE this? (Romans 7!) How come I keep coming back to this and letting this (and other areas) continue to be something I wrestle with?

I am no theologian or scholar or philosopher. I have no answers. Except that I can claim verse 24 and 25...

”What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!”

Amen! His mercies are indeed new every morning. So this morning I will give these situations to the Lord and start this journey all over again. And again. And again.

“Victory isn’t a final destination, it’s a lifelong process made with each next choice. ...My next choice will determine if I am walking the path of victory or death.” (Lysa TerKeurst)

Taking this step by step. Choice by choice. And when I stumble and struggle, I can’t allow myself to wallow and dwell in that failure, but rather ask for forgiveness then choose to make the next step a victorious one.